Hard places or Happy times

It's really hard to lose focus and get caught up in the hard moments we have. I have had a rough day. Wait I've had a rough week last week. My husband is working 5 days a week 14 plus hours a day when we are used to him working four ten hour days. He's usually home Thursday around 5 until Monday morning without interruption from work. He was tired when he got home last week and just kinda hung out. I've had a hard time adjusting to having a baby after 6 years. I had got used to Caleb being quite independent. I've found myself wishing Hannah wasnt so needy and wishing she was a little bit older. I've found mysf in discontentment quite a bit lately. I am starting to write in my journal again. Discontentment is a sign of ungratefulness. I've never been discontented. I've never been one tbat needs to have all the latest fashion in clothes, hairdos, manicures, and pedicures and let's dont forget all the jewelry and name brand makeup there is to use. That stuff just isn't important to me. I've never had a problem with self image. Never felt self conscious about my figure. Never felt like I wasnt good enough. These thoughts are now becoming very frequent in my head. I'm constantly trying to measure up. I know the enemy is trying to make me feel bad about myself and question myself. He's a sly old snake. Evil! I have even felt unvaluable as "just a mother" lately. I'm in a hard place right now. It's very hard for me to admit this. It's very hard to ask for help. It's very hard for me to admit I need help. I need to let the pride there go. I'm being very transparent. I will be honest. Losing my child at the Perry Fair is when these thoughts really started to flood my mind. I felt like a failure. First the enemy tried to stop me from going to the fair becUse of fear of losing my "wild child". Then it really happened. I had prayed that morning for my children to be safe and I didnt think anything else about it. Then it happened. The enemy will not win though. The Lord gives us just what we need right on time. In the last week after this happened I've had several friends call and check on me. I also had some text me just to check in. I've also helped some friends out lately by encouraging them. I am a firm believer in sowing and reaping. If I am needing encouragement in my life I sow encouragment and I always get it back. If I sow time, I always get that time back. This is with everything. This still dont take away the fact that satan is trying to steal my joy, peace, and contentment. I need prayers. These are three things that I have been ae to hold onto and I am losing grip on them. 

Just need prayer.  Thanks in advance for any prayers you offer on my behalf. Its taken me 3 days to be able to publish this but I feel that my transparency is required.

Perry Fair Trip

Hannah is 6 weeks old now. I had my reservations about going but I didnt want the older kids to miss out because of my fears of losing one of them in the massive crowds. When we got into the fair we walked through the poultry building. The kids got to see a little chick hatch. Caleb was super excited he got to see that happen. We walked all the way to the south gate to see what all there was going on and made a note of it. By that time we were all hungry for lunch. We walked out to the car and ate lunch in the shade under the picnic table.

We got done eating and went back im. We walked through the cattle building and saw some mini horses competing. Then we met up with a few from our group and stayed with them for the rest of the day. We were able to walk through the building with the mini horses and the kids got to let them. Sarah especially loved this because she has a love of horses. I have pictures!

Noah went with the group and Sarah, Caleb, Hannah, and I walked tothe monkey show. We caught up with the group at the wake board show. After the wake board show we were headed to the clock and as I do every few minutes checked to make sure all my kids are with us. I didnt see Caleb. I asked Sarah and then Noah where he was and they did not know. I told the ladies in the group. We frantically looked for him calling out his name. I pulled up a picture I had just took of him on my phone and i was showing people. In about 5 minutes but what seemed like forever one of the ladies in the group helping me look for him yelled out she has found him. A lady who saw him crying had found him and was about to take him to the police. When I got to him I broke down and started crying. My fear of losing him in the Perry Fair crowds became a reality. 

After I regained my composure we walked towards the clock to take a bathroom break before the circus. We had planned to leave after that but Sarah reminded me that we didnt go to the petting zoo. We went through that and that was neat. I also let them go in a cage with a bunch of birds and a food stick. They loved that. Heres some pictures from that.

This bird thing was so fun. I dont remember what it was called but the kids really enjoyed it. Beside that was a sea lion show that was going to start about 45 minutes after we finished at the bird feeding cage. Sarah really wanted to do that so we hung out and they loved that. We headed out when that was done. We stopped by Chik-Fil-A on out way out.

All in all it was a wonderful day!! Loved the time with my kids. I also enjoyed hanging out with our homeschool group friends. I am tired this morning. I'm achy all over but what could have ended up being one of the worst days of life(losing Caleb and not finding him) turned out to be a great day. I have no doubt the good Lord placed the caring lady who had him in that very place at that very time to protect Caleb and get him safely back to us. Thank you Jesus!

Fall is in the air...

If I had my way Fall would always be in the air. I do love the other seasons too. To me Fall means lovely scents in the air, soups, chilli, and Pumpkin deserts. It means there is a masterpiece of color outside from fall flowers like mums and Marigolds to the changing leaves and beautiful sunsets. It also means that Thanksgiving ans Christmas is just around the corner and that means sweet famy memories to be made.

Fall to me in the Christian sense means harvest of souls. I'm reflectinf on how many people I have led to the Lord. I've not led many but I feel like I may have been an example to someone. I'm not one to push my beliefs on others but if the time is right I always feel the Holy Spirit nudge me a bit. I've never had anyone just outright talk bad to me when trying to give an encouraging word or be a witness.

Fall has also meant that we are in full swing with school. The weather is gorgeous so the kids are motivated to get their schoolwork done and get outside to play. I am trying to really enjoy everything while keeping everything balanced. We enjoyed the afternoon at the state park yesterday. It was awesome and a real refreshment for me. It started my week off just right.

I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to start blogging more. Right now we are still adjusting to the new baby. We are currently going through the 6 week growth spurt and my 6 year old is cutting his 6 yr molars. Fun stuff! I am thankful for my children. My cup is full! All Glory to Him!

Hannah(Part 2)

Here it is.  This is the 2nd part of the story of Hannah.

On Wednesday August 20 at around 3PM I called the doctor.  I had not felt Hannah move well but once at 9:30AM on Wednesday.  The last time I had felt her move actively and in rhythm with the norm was on Tuesday early afternoon.  I drank and bottle of cold water, laid down, and rested.  I figured that since that's what is suggested when baby is not felt that this would do the trick.  I talked to her.  I prayed.  I talked to her some more.  I started doing this around 1PM.  Finally my imagination started running away with me and I decided to call the doctor.  They wanted me to come in as soon as I could.  I went on to the doctor's office as soon as they said they needed to see me immediately.  I had time to call my mom and my neighbor to let them know what was going on.  I didn't even have time to call my husband until after I got out.  I went in and they monitored me.  When I heard her heartbeat I was so relieved.  I didn't let my kids go back with me because I wasn't so sure that we would hear a heartbeat and I didn't want them in the room if that happened.  It was so scary.  My mama had got on her knees and started praying when I called her.  This was a very scary 2 hours for me.  They monitored me for an hour.  Finally at the end of that hour I figured out what made her move and have good reactive heart rate.  Dr. Goldberg bangs together spoons on your belly when trying to stimulate baby and make them react.  So when he went out of the room the last time I would poke at my belly when Hannah would go to sleep.  Finally after 1 1/2 hours she passed the NST.  I was still a little concerned but Dr. Goldberg assured me everything was fine.  Since I had an appointment on that Friday he went ahead and seen me for my appointment that day, cancelled Friday, and made me an appointment for the next Wednesday. Hannah still wasn't very active but she was enough that it kept my worries down.  I was 2cm dilated and 50% thinned at the time of that appointment.

On Saturday August 23 Caleb had a karate tournament.  I had joked that if we could just get done with that without me going into labor we would be doing good.  I didn't want to miss his very first ever karate tournament. I got my wish.  Saturday night I started feeling like we needed to get really ready to go to the hospital.  Bags packed and ready to go with toiletries and everything.

On Sunday morning around sunrise I woke up to back pain. I went walking and it seemed to ease off. I was relieved. I got in the shower and the back pain got worse.  I laid down intending to take a nap and I started having back pain every 10-20 minutes coming and going.  At that point I told Larry we would have a baby that day.  I wanted to wait on our neighbor Mrs. Pat to get home from church.  At around 10AM my back pain became regular contractions 5-7 minutes apart.  I had told my mama, sister, and my friend Fran about them. My mom and dad went on to church and my sister was planning to go to work that day but asked for updates.  Fran was at home and offered to come sit with the kids if we needed to go sooner to the hospital.  I ended up telling her to come on at around 11:15AM.  She got here pretty quick and Larry and I headed to the hospital.  They checked me and I was 3cm and still 50% thinned. They monitored me for an hour with regular contractions.  They checked me again and there was no change.  They told me that I could go home with pain meds and something for nausea or I could walk.  I was aggravated because I felt like the contractions should be progressing me somewhat at least.  I told them that I didn't need pain meds and that we would just go home.  The nurse and Larry were like ARE YOU SURE?  I got aggravated and said well yall told me to do one of the two things and I made my decision.  Yes I'm sure.  Then they asked me again if I was sure.  I just said ok ok I will try walking figuring that I'd be going home anyways.  So she unhooked me from the monitor and gave me an hour to walk.  We found some stairs and I walked 3 flights and it was so painful that I couldn't do that. So we went downstairs to walk a straight hallway from the lobby elevator all the way down to the cafeteria. We walked that twice and my water broke.  A wonderful nurse(I call her my angel) was behind us and ran to get us a wheelchair.  She wheeled me back up to L&D.  They checked me immediately with the test for amniotic fluid.  It was questionable.  They checked to see if I had dilated anymore and when she checked me my water broke more. So I was staying until I had a baby.  Of course they started all of the routine stuff.  I wanted to not have an IV, just a heplock.  They informed me of risks that I would be taking should I have complications.  I gave in and got an IV.  I explained to them that I was given pain meds in my IV at that hospital with my 2nd delivery because my epidural did not work.  I don't want to go into more detail but I will say all of my fears were voiced because I had informed my husband of why I didn't want certain things.  He was my voice, my rock during this time.  He was also my voice when I turned down vaccines for the baby.  I just went ahead and signed the consent but he told nurses that I wasn't sure that I wanted her to have vaccines.  They brought paperowrk back in and I signed something saying that I did not want any vaccines.  Ok after my water broke of course they started getting a room ready for me.  They were full so I had to labor in a semi-private room.  I was starting to get really irritated because I wanted my own private room.  Finally we were moved to one.  My husband also had told them when I get to a certain point that I go really fast.  They informed Dr. Kane(the on call doctor) of this and when I got into a private room he came in and sat down. He started asking me questions about my other kids and pregnancies.  The thing that stood out to me was that he listened to every single word I said and took me seriously.  The nurses did what they could to fullfil my wishes.  They checked me again and I was only 3cm.  Since I was only 3cm he told me that I could hold off on anything and hope I go as fast as I have went.  At that point I was very tense and I felt like even though I was prepared and fully believed I could have an all natural labor that I needed to go ahead and get a little bit of help.  For the whole time I had known I was pregnant I have researched different methods, read blogs, read books, and really believed I could do this.  It was my full intention to have a natural labor and delivery.  I had prayed and believed that God made women to do this.  I was not forced or even encouraged to take anything.  I did tell them though if I was getting Pitocin, even a little bit to help me along then I wanted the epidural.  Normally they won't give one until 4cm.  Dr. Kane took us seriously about how fast I go and went ahead and ordered one.  I was good an comfortable before they began the Pitocin.  I quickly got to 6cm.  The next time they checked me I was ready to push.

Here is the miracle.  Remember I have planned the entire time to have a natural birth.  I was very tense and my labor had sort of stalled.  I was very adamant about having a natural labor and delivery.  I wanted this so bad.  I was not encouraged to get an epidural.  It was solely my decision.  When baby was crowning the doctor told me to stop pushing and he told us the cord was wrapped around her neck.  When he cut the cord it was wrapped still.  The cord was wrapped around her neck twice.  Not once but twice.  Had I pushed for a natural birth baby would have been in longer with pressure on her neck.  She was blue when she was born.  She didn't have a healthy color.  I am so thankful that I followed what I felt was right in the moment.  I had prayed for the Lord to guide me.  Even though I told everyone that asked that I was going to go natural.  Even though I was prepared, there are just some hunches that you follow even if it takes you completely off the path of where you feel like you want to go or need to go. My labor had stalled because I was so tense.  Yes I believe that I could have had Hannah natural but that would do me no good had I lost her through it.  Yes Hannah was born at 37wks and 4 days. She was early but she was right on God's time. He spared my precious baby. Also remember that I had went to the doctor back on Wednesday because she wasn't moving well.  I think that the cord being wrapped around her neck at birth wasn't something that was done that day.  I think that it was done earlier that week.  Had she continued to be in the womb, I don't even want to think about what could have happened.  So my God had His hand on me and my precious baby.  She had no complications.  No breathing problems.  She passed all of her newborn tests with flying colors.  This may not seem big to some but in my book it's a miracle.  My little miracle.

Pregnancy and Birth Story of Hannah(Part 1)

Hannah is here!  We welcomed a sweet little blessing into the world on Sunday August 24 at 6:57PM.  She was due September 10th so she was a bit on the early side.  Doctors consider 37 weeks "full term" however I personally don't consider them full term until well into the 38th week.  By my findings she was a week or two early.  She had some issues that proved this to be true early on.  There is also something that happened during delivery that made me realize that God worked everything out and even though she was a bit early by gestation, she was right on time.  God had her in the palm of His hand for sure.

Leading up to her birth I had a typical, healthy pregnancy.  I'm 34 and it has been 6 years since I've been pregnant.  There are a lot of things that I went through with this pregnancy that I did not with my other three.  I have come to the conclusion that I'm just old-ER.  Back at about 35 weeks I started having what many midwives call prodromal labor which is basically early labor. I went to the hospital in fear of having baby way too early.  At that time I was a fingertip dilated.  I was "diagnosed" with false labor and sent home.  Over the next 2 weeks I continued to experience hard contractions.  They were a 4 to 5 on a scale of 1-10.  Braxton Hicks contractions have never been over a 3 for me on pain, never.  My mom and sister came over and helped.  They did meals and housework for me while I kept Miss Hannah in.  I did nothing and I was still tired or well exhausted from the contractions 24/7.  At the ultrasound at 35 weeks, Hannah measured in at 6lbs which is above average.  I figured that my due date may have been a bit off should the sonogram readings prove correct.  If not, this would be my largest baby to date.  I don't take the sonogram readings too serious though.  It could be off by a pound more or less.

Bear with me here because I have a newborn and three other children to take care of so on top of my priority list is Jesus time and then my family.  I will get to the part of the birth story that I call a miracle.  A lot of people already know what happened.  For those of you who don't stay tuned.  I'm a detail oriented person so you will know everything(minus gory stuff) about my labor and delivery.  I am writing this mainly so I can come back and remember it but I also want to renew others' faith.  I know that sometimes my faith waivers and when I hear of miracles such as this, it really refreshes me and gives me hope.  I would love it if just one person was refreshed by hearing of my little miracle.  Perhaps it renews them so much that they turn back to God.

Until next time, may you be blessed beyond measure.  May God wrap His loving arms around you and protect you and your loved ones.

In His Grip,

Jennifer

School....

Plans to start school tomorrow have been postponed. I'm just not ready. I thought i was. In fact I was ready and I'm prepared in the school department. The only thing is that all 3 kids have been sick since they got home from overnight visit with my parents. Caleb has been the worst. It's just a really bad cold and Caleb has had a high fever with his. My house is not in order and I'm not completely prepared to fight with sick kids when we really don't have to start school yet. The first part of this week I will be getting my house in order and the 2nd part of this week I will be completing preparations to start school next week. Then on Saturday is the baby shower my friends and family are giving me. I am sure I need to have my house and school stuff all taken care of  before Saturday. We shall see!! 

Lots to do this week!!

Beach trip and a little more.....

Last Saturday June 21 was the first day of summer.  It was also the first time we were able to make it to the beach.  Being 28 weeks pregnant I was hesitant to go.  Larry doesn't like the beach too much so he was trying to find a way out too.  I told him let's do this for the kids.  I certainly wasn't going for me.  That's just how this parenting thing works.  We had promised them we would go back at the end of May and one of them ended up with a fever on the day we were planning to go.  We probably could have still went but he would have been miserable and so would all of us because who wants to take a fevered child to the beach.  Heh!  Not I!

So we ventured off to the beach on Saturday morning.  We went to Jekyll Island.  It was nice and breezy but got really hot the closer it got to lunchtime.  We left pretty early and got there around 9:30AM I think.  Jekyll is about 2 hours away from where we live.  We had a few chairs and a blanket to set up and we did that, sprayed sunscreen on everyone and off they went.  There was low tide so there was a sandbar pretty far out.  There were people on it but because we thought the tide may come up while we were out there we didn't go out.  Walking down the beach Caleb found tiny hermit crabs in a puddle, a muscle in a pretty shell, and a dead jelly fish(yuck!)  I decided to walk out into the water because Noah and Caleb were out waist deep and not five steps into the water I stepped on something and started bleeding bad.  It hurt.....bad.  Then Larry tells me that it's squirting blood.  I was just going to keep walking but ended up having a foot that was tingling to my toes.  The cut was on my heel.  Caleb ran up to our chairs and got a beach towel and brought it back to me so I could put pressure on it.  The only thing is I didn't want to sit in the water with the towel because the waves were just going to wet the towel.  I had Noah go get me a chair to sit in out in the edge of the water.  I finally got it to stop bleeding and got back up to where all our stuff was.  The kids played in the water for a little longer.  By that time it was lunchtime.  They had ate a few snacks but it just wasn't filling.  Larry went to the truck and got the cooler while we waited on him under the pavillion with the picnic tables.  It was just too hot to eat out on the beach.  Poor Sarah got too hot, got a headache, and threw up.  Bless her!  After she threw up she was fine though.  She's like me. If I get too hot that happens to me.  I hated that she got sick because I know how she feels but I was glad it wasn't me and I was glad that it was short lived.  Everyone was tired from being out in the heat so we left after eating lunch and headed to Waycross.  We looked up movie times and figured out we could go walk around the mall for a bit and then go to the theater to watch a movie.  We watched How To Train Your Dragon 2 and afterwards went to eat at Rodeo Mexican Restaurant.

Overall the day was fun.  It wasn't overly stressful and I wasn't too terribly tired.  That was surprising to me since I was 28 1/2 weeks pregnant at the time.  I'm unable to upload pictures at this time.  Maybe another day when my internet is loading them faster or I may share them on FB.  Not sure why they aren't loading.  Frustrating to say the least but that's ok.

I will always leave a Bible verse to close.  May you have a blessed remainder of the week.  Thanks for reading.

Psalm 34:8
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. (NIV)

Wow!  It's been a while.  We now know what the gender of our baby is and we have a name.  Of course we found this out a few months ago but I've just not taken the time to type up a blog post about it. Of course those on my Facebook and Instagram know all about it.  It's just easier to share on there as opposed to writing a blog post about it.  LOL!  Well here goes....for those who don't know we already have  2 boys and 1 girl.  We thought it would be nice to have another girl to even things out.  That would be ideal.  Well God has answered our prayer.  It's a GIRL and her name will be Hannah Ruth. We are very excited about the arrival of this sweet baby girl.  My daughter is very excited about having a sister.  I am thrilled to give her that.  She admitted a few months after we found out we were pregnant that she had prayed HARD for a baby sister.  Well all i have to say if the faith of a child is much more than us adults.  The lack of faith that I had in God to help me with a 4th child was nothing compared to the faith that my child had in God to give her a sister.  She ultimately won with that faith.

My pregnancy has been typical.  I had the nausea on and off and then aches and pains when I grow.  Finally started feeling Miss H move a good bit around 22 weeks. At the end of May we had planned a trip to the beach but a fever and sore throat my youngest had stopped us from going.  It probably would have been cooler than this coming weekend however, our plans are to go on Saturday. I've been having severe back pain and have started some pregnancy yoga and ball exercises to help relieve that.  Hopefully that works.  I just started it yesterday.  It really works on me to not be able to participate in stuff and just be there with my kids for everything.  Yesterday I took them to the library summer reading program and left early.  A friend kept them there and took them bowling for me and I came home and was able to rest and cook supper.  Other than the back pain, I have been healthy. I am now 28 weeks and glad to let baby cook for at least 10 more weeks. My pregnancies last anywhere from 38 to 39 weeks so I am anticipating an end of August birth however, my DUE DATE is September 10th.  My prediction is August 27 in which I will be exactly 38 weeks just because my body has went quicker and quicker with each birth. I am doing different things to prepare my body for a nautral birth that I did not do with any of my other 3 pregnancies.  It's funny what you learn when you are older and how you want to do your own thing as opposed to what everyone else is doing.  I breastfeed but I will not be cloth diapering.  I wore my daughter with a ring sling but didn't wear my boys.  I've already bought a cotton/linen wrap, moby wrap, and sling to wear this baby.  The difference between then and now is the fact that I homeschool.  I feel like it will just make it easier on me to wear baby.  I can't wait to wear her.  I've done a lot of research and it seems so beneficial to their development and security when they get older.With that said I also have a stroller and will be using that too if she will let me. If not, then that's okay too.  I have a lot of plans in how I want things but one thing I've learned from having children is the fact that I can't plan too much because they will for sure change my plans.

I never thought that I would be given a baby shower for my 4th child.  Wait....I never thought I'd have a 4th child so I just feel so blessed.  My good friend is hosting a baby shower for me in July and I am excited.  I've mainly got the bigger items but the smaller stuff is what I have waited to get at the shower.  We have a crib and pack and play.  I've bought her some outfits.  I just couldn't resist.  LOL! We have a relative who makes clothes so she has made her several pieces and they are just darling.  I can't wait to put her in them and take tons of pictures. This child will be the only one I had as a baby with my new SLR professional camera so she is going to know what a camera is early on.

My plans for schooling the children haven't changed as far as whether I will home-school them or not.  There were relatives who put their two cents in and told me different things such as "you're crazy for having a baby AND homeschooling" and "don't make life hard for yourself.  Just send them to school"  Well I feel like I would make it hard if I did send my children to school.  Having a new baby and then sending my kids off to school like the baby is the cause of me taking away the very thing that they love which is to be with me and for me to be their teacher would be a huge adjustment and would result in them resenting the little one.  Both my husband and I never questioned whether we would continue to homeschool after finding out about our surprise blessing.  It was just a known.  I am so thankful we are united on this and pretty much everything when it comes to running our household, parenting our children, and spiritual beliefs.  I know this is what makes our relationship one that isn't easily broken.  Now mind you we get on each others' nerves but we never let our children see us fight.  We never even argue in front of our children.  And for a hormonal pregnant girl this is hard when he does something that rubs me the wrong way.  I've learned though that a gentle reminder of our goal for our children after they go to bed is what works best.  Loving, constructive criticism and not yelling at him while I am still irritated and waiting until I've thought it through to talk to him definitely works better. We never talked about whether or not to put the kids in school because the new baby is coming.  I am so thankful for his support in teaching our children according to the Word of God and according to our calling as a family.

As far as the school year goes we will start July 7 and finish up August 8.  After that we will await the arrival of our baby and I will take 6-8 weeks off after the birth of the baby.  If I feel like I want to start back before then, I will.  I am telling the kids they will begin school again in October after baby is born.  They aren't too happy about the July thing but I try to remind them every time that while others are in school in September and possibly some of October they won't be because they are starting in July.And there's always different stuff they can do besides their curriculum that we call school.  It's not just limited to school books and organized instruction.  School is everywhere for my children and I plan to use a lot of real life lessons on the weeks that we are off to teach them.  We are working in a routine for our school days and a schedule for chores and such.  We shall see how that goes.  My 10 and 8 year old should be fine but my 5 1/2 year old isn't too keen on doing chores.  He is getting better but still not a fan of them but he is all boy so I know I can expect that however, that doesn't make me not still make him contribute.

Next week all three of my kids will be in camp from 8-4, 9-3, and 9:30 to 3:30. Then they will be gone from 6-9PM to VBS down the road at a friend's church.  I am looking forward to having the time to plan for the two older's schoolwork for the July 7 to August 8th period.  I'm sure I will have plenty of time to plan for Oct-Dec while having downtime with the baby.  I'm taking it one month at a time right now though.  So much can change so I am not planning past August 8th on planning.

So there's an update on everything.  By the way my next appointment is Friday June 27th.  I see the doc every 3 weeks now.  I'm in my 3rd trimester.

I will leave you with a verse.

And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:19

Not as it appears.....

I see these blog posts with these wondrous homeschooling days and pictures to go with it. I'm guilty of only posting positive pictures with ALL smiles.  It's not always like that.  Don't be decieved dear mothers and anyone who reads my blog or looks at my facebook with envy.  What you don't see are the struggles that as a homeschool mom I know every mom who homeschools goes through.  There's no pictures of the daily meltdowns of my child with Asperger's or the kids when they are in time out because they wouldn't be quiet when asked to be or after they have been spanked for doing something when I told them to stop or just for being defiant.  There are no pictures of me losing my patience when they just aren't getting it.  There's only pictures of smiles. All smiles.  I choose to share these pictures of positive smiles because it's a very dark blog post when you post other types of pictures. Who wants to read a negative blog post? Not me.

When in a conversation about homeschooling with my non-homeschooling friends their #1 reason is "I could never have enough patience to do it."  Well I don't either. Quite honestly I have very little patience but God gives me the grace to get through teaching my children.  #2 reason is "I'm not confident enough to take on that task."  Yes I understand but aren't we all a bit hard on ourselves and don't see ourselves the way others see us.  I didn't have much self confidence to begin with and the years were a bit rough and we just got by in the beginning.  I take that as experience under my belt and move on.  At the time, I was surviving.  Having God as my guide has proven to be the most effective confidence booster to date.  He has been there and when I felt like nobody understood the way I was feeling. God understands.  He also doesn't call us to do something that He won't equip us for.  I love to be an encourager to fellow homeschooling moms but I also love to be an encourager to those moms who feel like homeschooling should be an option but they don't have that confidence to do it.  The longer you wait to homeschool your child the less confidence you will have because you will think they are fine.  The classroom teachers that you withdraw your child from may tell you that the school classroom is the best option for your child. Only you know this.  For some kids they thrive in a classroom setting.  For many though, they just get by.  The educational system in American is failing us.  Non-homeschooling mom if your child is struggling, failing, or just hates school and you feel for them and have considered homeschooling, then I am here to help. I don't know everything but I happen to have a support system that I can connect you with if you need it.

So when you look at me, my facebook page, or read my post please know that with the smiles I post or with the fun activities that I share there is also a world of struggle behind the scence.  We rejoice when there's a breakthrough of knowledge.  We celebrate when they finally get it.  That celebration gets us through the next struggles.  Last but not least, I get up every morning before my children and I read my Bible and I pray for me, for them, and for others.  At 7:45 every morning my children sit in the couch next to me and they bring me the devotional and we read a devotion.  We discuss things going on around us.  They share prayer requests with me and they share their fears.  Children have fears.  As much as I've tried to keep their little eyes and ears protected they still have fears of the unknown.  THANK GOD they are not exposed to public school.  I couldn't imagine the way they would be affected had they so far been in public school. I base everything around the good Lord and living a Christian life for my children.  They see me mess up every day and so many times a day now that I am pregnant and hormonal.  They know mommy is not perfect and that's what I want.  I want them to know that when they can't rely on mommy to be there for them or daddy that God is ALWAYS there.  They just need to pray.  

I hope that this has helped someone in some way.  I want to be transparent.  I don't want to be deceiving when it comes to posting pictures. I struggle just like everyone else.  I just choose to take it to God first thing in the morning and shake it off. I encourage you to do the same.

Surprise!

Wow it's been a little while since I've written.  I need to get back to it.  I'm sure that I am going to have a lot more to share with you all now that we are SURPRISE!....expecting #4.  What a blessing!  We found out January 1, 2014.  What a way to start the new year off!  I have to be honest.  I didn't take the news well at first.  It was very selfish of me but I think I would be doing a disservice to my readers to not be honest.  I also want to look back and read this when I am holding this precious baby in my arms and be so thankful that God gave me the blessing that I so did NOT deserve.  Discussions were made a few months ago with hubby about #4 and it just never went anywhere.  I was scared.  God knew the deep down desires of my heart but my human mind and my lack of self esteem and the lack of believing in myself kept me from acting on those desires.  Also the logical reasoning going through my head too as well as coming out of others' mouths.  There was the comment that I have three healthy, smart, beautiful children.  I should be thankful for them and move on.  There's different stages of life.  There's a little kiddo stage and then for my oldest there's a raising tweens/teen stage.

One other thing that held me off from acting on this desire is that two people very close to me had a miscarriage.  My sister who has been battling with infertility and does not have any children as of yet had a miscarriage in September.  Then in October one of my best of friends had a miscarriage.  She has three children but that didn't lessen the pain any more than it was for my sister.  My heart hurt and I truly mourned with them.  I tried to help them through this horrific time in their lives.  In the end I am so proud of them for moving on and being the Godly women that they are choosing to move forward with their lives.  I pray daily for them to get the desire that they have for another precious baby.

My first appointment with the doctor is on January 30th.  That's next Thursday and I am excited.  My mom is coming over to go with me so the kids can go to my first appointment with me.  I am 7 weeks today and have already battled tonsillitis and a double ear infection.  The antibiotics are causing nausea.  Please don't hate me for this but I don't usually have "morning sickness" with my pregnancies.  I think my mood swings make up for it though.  I sure have had my share of those this past week.  I guess that's a good sign that baby is growing and thriving.  Hopefully my kids won't end up hating me before the end of the first trimester.

So there that is.  Happy New Year!  Happy 2014 to us!